Memoir of a Gender Immigrant

Memoir of a Gender Immigrant
(Written for Mandy)

Despite a life of innocence, I was enslaved to a concept
An idea that would be the end of me if I said yes or no
A constant nightmare that no child should bear
At school I was beaten, what a way to teach a child
At church I was preached against when I wanted to be redeemed
At home the bathroom mirror mocked my hopes of being pretty
I long dreamed of my mom hearing what beautiful daughters she has
Isolation was better than honesty despite always wondering if people knew
I question the authenticity of all friendships since people are so quick to judge
An inner war of constant denial told me I was a girl yet I thought it was insane
Isolation lends to self-hatred compounded more so by peer violence
Girly, Fag, Queer, Gay yelled from a distance
No girlfriend cured the defect of my mind, despite all the prayers
Assaulted with the pressure to be a man
Eager to die to be set free, the pressure built up year after year
I came upon a world of others just like me, searching for hope
I asked endless questions and worried and worried and worried
I was paralyzed by fear, only movement were my flowing tears
Anxiously I took the first hormone pills in my hand
In the other hand, I now test the fabric of love and friendship
I enter puberty once again, alone and scared
Hours and hours the hot needle enters the face
Condemned by society as if this is a lifestyle or choice, what human would chose such a path
I became a gender immigrant, natives don’t like immigrants
Telling us to go back where we came from, never seeing us for the person within
I exchange isolation to assimilate but I isolate myself again
Freedom in a new body but imprisoned to a forbidden past
This is what courage looks like on the road less traveled